Early in what I refer to as my ‘spiritual awakening,’ I had an ecstatic experience of the divine presence in my life (not unlike the limerence of young love). 

That euphoria was integrally bound with the release of guilt and shame I had felt about my queerness. My experience of being unconditionally loved and accepted by God just as I was seemed essential to my spiritual exuberance and my motivation to deepen that divine relationship. 

However, when I confronted how vehemently God’s people opposed my newfound sense of wholeness, that spiritual limerence began to fade. Though some in my community attempted to put love before judgment (“love the sinner, but hate the sin”), the notion of a “gay Christian” to them was an oxymoron and anathema to their sense of Christian identity.

In the late 70s, I found no one who validated my experience of God’s acceptance. Even the classics professor who tutored me in reading Koine (Biblical) Greek never gave me outright assurance. However, he encouraged me to search the scriptures for the truth rather than trust in the interpretations and conclusions of others.

Ironically, the more I studied the scriptures, the more doubts I experienced about the claims of Christianity. It wasn’t just doctrines like the virgin birth of Jesus that raised my suspicions. It was primarily the claim of exclusivity regarding salvation. There seemed to be numerous hints that God cared for all humanity. Jesus said, “I have other sheep that are not of this pasture.” He said, “In my father’s house are many mansions.”

More importantly, I found an ever-increasing disconnect between what Jesus emphasized and the matters to which the modern Church seemed to fixate its attention. He stresses the importance of loving and forgiving one another. “They will know you are my disciples by the love you have for one another.” Yet, Christianity fractured into opposing camps about every form of disagreement.

Though disheartened, I didn’t give up searching for the truth. I read a wide range of books by ancient and contemporary Christian authors.

During the 80s and early 90s, a chasm widened between my outer life and inner life. 

I continued to participate in a series of Christian communities. Looking back, I sense that I was searching to recapture that euphoria I felt in the early days of my spiritual awakening.

Christians surrounded me. I had moved to Orlando with SAK Theatre to perform at EPCOT. The company was founded by my best friend, Terry, and a group of his friends who met while they were members of a touring Christian theatre troupe. The majority of employees were Christians, and many of us wound up attending the same church, which happened to be housed at the local community theater.

Two themes intertwined through my inner life like streams of oil and water. One theme was increasing intellectual dissonance about Christianity (its belief systems and its divisiveness and hypocrisy). The other, paradoxically, was a growing sense of wonder and fascination with the more mystical insights and wisdom contained in ancient texts, including the Canonical scriptures and others.

With guidance from Joseph Campbell and other teachers, I discovered a treasure trove of wisdom in ancient stories and texts, gaining rich insights into the human condition and the mysteries of life. 

I’ve described in previous Wayfinders, for example, how the word “truth” that Jesus used in “The truth will make you free,” has a root meaning of unveiling, or un-concealing. He’s pointing to a profound psychological reality: our attempts to hide aspects of ourselves from others often end up enslaving us. Pulling back the curtain frees us.

However, the dissonance grew between my inner life of doubt, questioning, and skepticism and my outer life as part of a mostly caring and nurturing Christian community. I didn’t have anyone I felt safe to unpack my inner thoughts and feelings with. I had several non-Christian friends, but they seemed to be as immovable in their worldviews as the Christians. 

I felt lost in a state of limbo, uncertain. I couldn’t name what I was feeling until I encountered Thoreau’s words…