It seems like one of the great gifts of age that we “wake up” a bit to this mostly unconscious force. We get a glimpse of the mechanism: our deep needs to belong and to be admired pull us like gravity to the great mass at the center of our tribe. Their likes become our likes, their perspectives become ours.

Martin Heidegger called this pull to conform to social norms and behaviors our “They self.” He said it was mostly unavoidable, but in times of anxiety, grief, and alienation we may recognize that it robs us of our authentic self. In that moment of recognition we might experience an “opening” to re-possess ourselves.

Even as I sense that I’m waking up out of a hypnotic state, I feel the sway of my “They self.” I want to fit in, seem ‘normal,’ be admired, or at least accepted. 

Blending in is comfortable. Standing out creates friction. Conformity greases the social machinery. It’s easier to live this way.

Until it’s not.

This personal awakening to my ‘They self’ has made me acutely aware of how it’s playing out in our broader culture. Have I mentioned that I live in Washington DC?

In spite of living in what might be considered the epicenter of the whole morass, I have largely retreated from the roiling caldron of social strife that threatens to wipe out civilization as we have known it.

But my inner “middle child” who for too long asked, “Am I enough?” now wants to shout, “Enough is enough!”

The strife in our culture is pure sibling rivalry:

“That’s not fair.”

“You’re lying.”

“It’s not your turn.”

“She got more than me.”

“I’m right, you’re wrong!” 

“Crybaby!”

“Loser!”

“He started it.”

“I’m never speaking to you again!”

We’re each trying to convert the other to our point of view and it’s not even our own point-of-view. It’s our “They self.”  

Our culture now consists mainly of two rival (sibling) cults. We’ve been hypnotized into believing we are the “righteous ones” and the other people are evil or ignorant.

We are all possessed.

(Taking a breath…)

What does this have to do with Authenticity? (This is the fifth in my series of Aspirations of Thriving in Our Third Act.)

Authenticity is defined as “not false or copied.”

The authenticity that I aspire to in my third act is to reject being a copy and step into that “opening” Heidegger spoke of. To think, to push back, and to ask penetrating questions. To risk being less admired and uninvited.

I am less interested in conversion and more interested in connection. Real connection that comes from listening deeply.

Everything that’s tearing us apart could be solved by listening to Mrs. Ruzich, my first grade teacher who said, “God gave you two ears and one mouth for a reason. You need to listen twice as much as you speak.”

If there is any hope to restore sanity to our culture, it will take an army of us practicing deep listening to break the spell of the cults and build bridges between people.

And our stories have the power to connect us if we share both our aspirations (our deepest yearnings) and our struggles with authenticity. These reveal our humanity. They are the ties that bind us together.

Another definition of authenticity is “representing one’s true nature.” We need the courage to transcend our cherished opinions–they don’t represent our true nature. 

But love does. 

When everyone around us is leading with rage, what pierces through and makes a difference is love…and two listening ears.

Shine,