Story #032
Ascend: Rising Above the Ugliness of Our Cultural Divide
Max J Miller
We’ve become addicted to social media algorithms that actively foment outrage and tribalism. We handle them with less caution than we handle dangerous substances, even as they rot our brains and rip at the fragile fabric of our society. If there was ever a time for those of us in our third act to model something better, it’s now. I propose one more aspiration: Ascend.
Last week I concluded my series on aspirations with agapé. But I realized I hadn’t fully addressed the elephant in the room: the collapse of civility in our culture.
If we will revive civility, we must raise ourselves above the ugliness and the shallow and shameful banter that characterize our present culture. Have you noticed the warlike headlines on social media? When did we accept that ‘DESTROYS’ and ‘UNLEASHES FIRE’ became acceptable discourse?
It’s Junior High all over again and again. Not the stuff great civilizations are built upon.
So what exactly do I mean by Ascend?
I’m not using the term ascend to suggest we “take the moral high ground,” which is condescending and only worsens the problem. I’m certainly not advocating for disengagement. We must engage one another meaningfully.
Let us aspire toward upward movement in our discourse. Let us rise above our basest impulses to lash out and punish our neighbors for seeing the world differently.
We must rise above the “I’m right, and you’re wrong” patterns of thinking and speaking. We must discover ways to advance communication, not to stop it in its tracks.
PLAY AT THE TOP OF YOUR INTELLIGENCE
In my improv days, our best players and coaches urged us to “play at the top of our intelligence.” That meant, instead of going for the cheap laugh that also ends the scene prematurely, be courageous and make a more interesting choice that can unfold into a rich, meaningful story.
That advice fits the present task. Rather than falling into the trap of scoring rhetorical points, engage the other person’s heart. Ask questions that free the conversation from divisive soundbites and raise it into areas of human values and concerns.
When a client wanted me to help him articulate a point of view that I found hurtful, I started asking him questions about his own experience—about his aspirations and struggles. Soon, he stopped trying to defend his ideology and started sharing an authentic and meaningful story. He was able to share his heart without resorting to divisive trigger points.
My friend Terry discovered it was best to avoid “Why do you believe…” and instead ask “How did you come to think that way?” It’s less likely to make the other defensive.
If we allow ourselves to “play at the top of our intelligence” rather than give into our basest competitive impulses, we all have good instincts to connect and find common ground.
WHEN IT FEELS IMPOSSIBLE
I understand the impulse to “fight fire with fire” as if your life depended upon it.
We’ve all been stirred up for so long that we show signs of conditions like PTSD and chronic stress disorder. This makes it even harder to refrain from lashing out.
I sometimes feel like the man in Fiddler On The Roof who said, “We should defend ourselves! An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth.” To which the wise Tevye responds, “Very good. And that way, the whole world will be blind and toothless.”
These are dark times indeed. People speak of our society as a powder keg at risk of erupting into increasing violence. But we must not give up. We must look for glimmers of light.
Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that.
— Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.
We have many examples of cultures once fractured by civil wars that found their way to healing and reconciliation. Near the peak of “The Troubles” in Northern Ireland, political faction leaders as well as clergy and laypeople from both sides of the conflict participated jointly in multi-day retreats to listen to one another.
Friends who participated in these retreats told me stories that gave me chills—how they watched the worst of our humanity transform before their eyes into the best.
WHERE AND HOW TO BEGIN
You may be asking, “But what can we do that will make a difference?”
My former business partner and I were the dearest of friends. People compared us to famous comedy duos like Laurel and Hardy. We were a mutual fan club, and it seemed that nothing could come between us.
Then we went from bosom buddies to barely speaking over a relatively short time. I so deeply regret that we didn’t push through. Our friendship became a casualty of the cultural divide, and I can never get it back.
Hoping that I learned my lesson, I have a weekly call with another colleague that I admire, but with whom I have deep disagreements. Our conversations heat up occasionally, but we have agreed to push through and to rise above our ideological differences in honor of our humanity.
There are dozens of dialogue techniques that actually work. One of my favorites is Marshall Rosenberg’s Non-Violent Communication. This method has been used to reconcile feuding families, negotiate between unions and business managers, and even transform gang violence in some of America’s most dangerous neighborhoods.
I encourage you to read his book by the same name, or do a search and read up on it. You may be inspired to gather two or three people to experiment with his approach. You may be astonished by what you discover.
I’m reminded of the Hebrew prophet Isaiah, who, in the midst of his time’s seemingly unending violence, made this appeal: “Come let us reason together.”
We must not wring our hands and stand by as our culture slips into chaos and darkness. We must trust the light we have within, as so many of our spiritual leaders have urged.
I am resolved to ask, seek, and knock for any insight, wisdom, or technique that will empower us to ascend from divisiveness to dignity, and from conflict to community.
I’m already finding shining glimmers of hope in that pursuit.
And hope is the first sign of light breaking through the darkness.
Shine,
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