Later in life, I learned that middle children often have a special portion of “perspective taking,” the ability to experience another person’s point of view. This can be both a blessing and a curse. 

Perspective taking generally aids communication, empathy, influence, leadership, and peacemaking. 

However, it can be alienating in heated situations when opposing parties just want you to “pick a side.” Ironically, the very gift of perspective-taking often makes us indecisive—seeing every side can paralyze you. (Check out my decision-making breakthrough in Issue [005].)

In my experience, the worst aspect of the ‘middle-child syndrome’ has to do with internalizing the tension of unresolved family squabbles. 

The middle child laments, “Why can’t we all just get along?!”

For many of us, that conflict sensitivity extends beyond the family domain. We stress over conflicts among friends, communities, and beyond.

In the early 1980s, my church experienced a theological battle that resulted in one faction splitting off to form a new church. The controversy that tore the community apart was whether a woman could be promoted to a church leadership position. 

Having belonged to this church for barely a few months, I chose not to openly “take a side” in the debate. Although I mainly identified with the group favoring full participation for women, I appreciated the arguments of the ‘traditionalist’ members.

Maybe it was the middle child thing, and maybe it was youthful arrogance (I was 24), but I finally got up to speak at one of the church meetings. 

Stepping up to the lectern, my heart pounded so hard I could barely hear my own voice. Faces turned toward me—some curious, some skeptical, some openly hostile. I remember clutching the edge of the podium for courage as I spoke. I wasn’t trying to win; I was pleading, with every fiber of my 24-year-old self, for us to remember what mattered most: love.

The gist of my little sermon was to remind the congregation that the Christian church had fractured into 40,000 different denominations (no exaggeration) despite Jesus’s indisputable primary command that we “love God and love one another.” 

Church history tells us that the vast majority of those denominational splinters resulted from disagreements about doctrine (interpretations of biblical teachings). 

Man’s utter incapacity to work out our differences of opinion without violence leaves this middle child profoundly discouraged at times. The fact that those who claim to be followers of Jesus are no different from the rest of our tribal species brings me to despair.